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Trusting God in the Wilderness
Disbelief, the antithesis of trust. It is a survival tactic of sorts and serves as a cushion. If you disbelieve and things go wrong, you’ve already prepared yourself for the disappointment. This along with distrusting God, having an I’ll believe it when I see it mentality, and impatience, are all survival tactics that can prolong your stay in the wilderness season of your life.
As stated in the book of Ecclesiastes, there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens. Oftentimes, when you come out of a prolonged season of distress, oppression, and, or persecution, God gives you a season in the wilderness.
The wilderness, contrary to my belief before completing Media Alert, is not a bad thing. But it is a period of time and a set of circumstances that God uses to teach us to rely on Him. For example, if you relied on self-motivational quotes to get you through the previous season, God uses the wilderness to teach you to rely on His word and depend on Him totally in the wilderness. God also uses this time to allow you to grow into what He’s going to bless you with and where He is taking you.
The challenge then is getting out of survival mode and pulling yourself out of being in a constant state of fight or flight. These are day-to-day mentalities that don’t give much consideration for what God wants you to do.
For the Christian, living in survival mode can look like getting a good word from the LORD and then the enemy stealing that word and replacing it with thoughts of what could go wrong next. What follows is their reaction to those thoughts. As a result, they remain in a constant state of anxiety.
The children of Israel serve as a good example of this. They were faced with harsh working conditions and eventually the Pharaoh at the time issued an order to kill Israelite boys at birth only allowing the girls to survive because he was terrified of their increasing population. The psychological trauma they went through in Egypt was brought on by seeing things that they believed as potentially fatal or as having the ability to cause major physical harm to themselves or others. In Dialogue in Clinical Neuroscience, Jonathan E. Sherin and Charles B. Nemeroff note that events, which are frequently accompanied by profound fear, terror, and helplessness, might cause the development of and are necessary for the diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
It was not long before their helpless way of thinking caused them to mistrust God. This is demonstrated when the children of Israel inquire of Moses as to why he sent them to die in the wilderness rather than in a burial in Egypt. Soon after, they expressed their mistrust once more by saying, “If only they had died in Egypt by the LORD’S hand where they sat around pots of meat and ate.” When they remembered they could eat whatever they wanted in Egypt, they accused Moses of leading them into the desert so they would perish.
The enemy uses a similar tactic on us today. He influences us to murmur and complain over what we do not have. As a result, our wilderness season is prolonged, just as it was prolonged for the children of Israel.
The word murmured comes from the Hebrew word, Yalan which means to worry, grumble, complain, or fret. If you want to make it out of your wilderness season, murmuring, complaining, and rebelling is not the way to go. Coming up against leaders, as the children of Israel did to Moses and Aaron is not the way to go.
It is also important to be mindful of how we ask God why. The late Theologian and Pastor, R.C. Sproul said it best, “Remember how you ask that question. The word “why” can be an honest question or it can be an accusation.” Notice how the children of Israel asked why they were brought into the desert and assumed it was to die. Their question essentially accused God. Now, it is true that their accusatory nature may have been developed through the circumstances they faced in Egypt, and going into the wilderness only brought that out of them. But after God proved Himself to the children of Israel over and over again, growth and a maturing of attitude did not occur.
I would like to pose the following questions to conclude. How many times has God proven Himself to you? Has He not brought you out again and again?
Then do not grieve the Holy Spirit by murmuring and complaining like the children of Israel did. When you find yourself about to murmur and complain, replace those thoughts with when and how God brought you through in the past. Worshiping Him is another better alternative.
Learn from the Israelites and don’t accuse God with your whys. Instead, ask, God, what do you want me to learn from this situation? How should I view it? Am I missing the mark because of my point of view? How should I look at these circumstances? Is there something that you need me to do in the midst of this situation? Is there something that you want me to accomplish? God, how do you want me to grow from this?
Also, giving too much attention to the enemy is not the way to go. Yes, it’s true that 2 Corinthians 2:11 states that we are not unaware of satan’s schemes. But remember who is in control. Consider for a moment if you will Job and how the enemy had to ask for God’s permission to remove the hedge from his life. From this, we see that the devil can’t do anything he wants to do. Which insinuates that God allows things to happen to us. But what we must remember is that He allows it for a purpose. The Bible says in Jeremiah 29:11 that God knows the plans He has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us plans to give hope and a future. God is not in the business of doing things to us to harm us even though some circumstances seem harmful.
Trusting God in the wilderness requires us to ask God the right questions. It takes you out of having a pity party for yourself, and it gives you an attitude of gratitude. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 puts it this way, in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
The bible says be not conformed to this world but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind. Knowing God has allowed this thing to happen in your life, and knowing that God’s plan is to prosper you and not to harm you, as well as give you hope and a future, certainly should transform the way you look at circumstances. So find joy in the wilderness, knowing that God will provide for you and that you are no longer where you used to be.
The Other Side
I never thought I would find myself at the bodega getting a cigarette but there I was. Since January layoffs, unemployment and foreclosure had been looming overhead as I tried to shoot the last episodes of Media Alert.
Foreclosure was a frontier that I had not encountered in the past. But it was here. I likened the experience of losing my home to dying because it felt like I was losing everything. It made me think about what kind of life I was living and what I wanted to accomplish before I die. Death has a way of bringing to mind what matters most in life. It really changed my perspective on things. I came to the conclusion that all I wanted to do was God’s will. The only thing that came to mind was Media Alert.
Luke 8:22-25
One day Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s go over to the other side of the lake.” So they got into a boat and set out. As they sailed, He fell asleep. A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger.
The disciples went and woke Him, saying “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!”
He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. “Where is your faith?” he asked his disciples.
I was determined to finish Media Alert before I lost my home and make it to the other side. No matter what the surrounding circumstances looked like, no matter how the wind was blowing, no matter how much the waters raged God had already said Media is going to make it – And so myself and my team pressed on despite the circumstances and completed the season.
James 1:4
Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.
One Day At A Time
Don’t look at the end result. Look at God.
My mother and I knew that the vision that God gave to us would come to pass. It was just a matter of time. But with each passing day I was beginning to get impatient. God had given my mother and I this sitcom years ago. Since then, it’s been one emotional roller coaster with all the ups and downs. It was causing both of us to grow weary. The amount of time it took to get this far and the uncertainty of how much longer it would take to get things off the ground frustrated me personally. I was driving myself crazy trying to speculate when our big break was going to come. Sometimes I would get myself into trouble trying to rush the pre-production phase with sights of the end of this journey in view. But I couldn’t rush God’s plan. No one can. That’s when I decided to take things one day at a time. Each day I lay my concerns at God’s feet and ask God what He would have me to do today. Accomplishing what God wants me to accomplish on a daily basis makes my journey more joyful. Instead of trying to estimate when the completion of the project will be, I focus on God. At the end of each day, I thank God for bringing my mother and I one day closer to the goal He has set for us.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
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Matthew 6:34
Loose Ends
It was the end of the year and I had successfully finished racking up enough finances to produce the sitcom. My mother and I eagerly worked on camera directions to ensure that there would be no guess work when it came to shooting the various scenes of the sitcom. But by the beginning of the second month tragedy struck. We lost a very close member of our family. What makes things worse is that she was planning a huge event in a few months. It made me question why God would allow such a thing to occur without allowing her to complete such a great feat. It began to play on my psyche in ways unimaginable. What I was once confident God wanted me to accomplish became an uncertainty. Questions ran through my mind. Will I be able to complete the production of this sitcom and what if I don’t live to see it completed? The anxiety that came upon me caused me to stop the pre-production work. A few weeks later, I was on the Long Island Rail Road on my way to work. I took a seat in front of a man who looked to be in his late 50’s. His collar was unbuttoned and he glistened from the sweat on his brow and upper lip. I overheard the conversation he was having on the phone. By the tone of his voice I could tell he was in distress.
“I want to apologize for the way I spoke to you earlier…It’s just that I worked so hard for so many years, for this business…I have my family and I just don’t want to go out like that…But if I have to I will…So that’s it…That’s how long I have…63”
SIGH
“Okay.”
I began to hear the man whimper. My heart went out to him. It sounded like the person on the other end of the phone told him he only had until the age of 63 to live. Immediately unbeknownst to him, I began to pray for him. I went on that day with that man’s situation on my mind. It didn’t help my anxiety one bit. The pre-production work remained at a halt. A month later I had learned that my mother lost a friend of hers. He was having complications with his heart and he didn’t know whether God was going to deliver him out of his illness or not. He spoke of a great work he wanted to complete for God and asked for the prayers of the saints for strength and deliverance. But God also saw fit to bring him home. My mind immediately went back to that man on the train and my family member. One didn’t know death would come, the other didn’t know whether or not God would deliver him and one knew death was coming. But they all had plans. Obviously it wasn’t God’s plan and although I know God’s plan is perfect, all I could see was loose ends. I needed answers so I prayed.
Luke 22:42
Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine will be done.
God brought to mind how He sent His only begotten Son to this earth to die for the sins of mankind. He knew He was going to die and at a young age at that. I began to imagine how He must have felt.
1 Timothy 3:16
And without controversy great is the mystery of godliness: God was manifest in the flesh, justified in the Spirit, seen of angels, preached unto the Gentiles, believed on in the world, received up into glory.
When Jesus Christ walked this earth, He was 100% God and 100% man. Therefore, He is touched with the feelings of our infirmities. I can only imagine that He was greatly concerned about His mother, His brother, and whether or not He reached the people He needed to reach…Loose ends. But God made provisions for everything we feel is a loose end. Before He gave His life, He chose 12 disciples to continue to preach the gospel, and when He rose from the dead, 500 people saw Him, reassuring them of the hope that lies beyond the grave. Because He rose, we shall rise also. All these points helped me to trust God’s plan all the more. He tied up all loose ends while He walked this earth, and He continues to tie up all of our loose ends even now.
Patiently wait on God
God’s timing is important. His timing is perfect.
We were home from the pitch festival, and now it was time to follow up. I went out and purchased stamps and thank you cards. I figured handwritten cards would leave more of a personal touch. I researched the contact information for each of the production companies we pitched to, and we sent them out. We let two weeks pass before attempting to make follow-up calls. Getting through the gatekeepers was brutal, but with persistence, we eventually made it through to voicemail. We left a lot of messages, but heard nothing back. One day, we did actually speak to the head person in charge of two companies. We had to pitch our ideas all over again. One conversation ended with “I’m sorry I’m not interested,” and the other with “Send me an email,” and we sent it but never received a reply. We were worried, and we couldn’t understand why God was allowing this to happen.
Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
I certainly didn’t want us to seem like pests to the production companies, but I also didn’t want to miss out on our big break by being passive. It was back to business as usual. I continued to pray and asked God to open up doors for us. We went on to cover the 5th Annual Beat Boxer Championship, interview Actress Chantal Maurice, Rap Artist AR Houston, and Model Chantal Myrick, also known as “Blac Wynter.”
18th Hollywood Pitch Festival
The time was upon us. We had three days to pitch our projects to 25 companies. When we touched down in Los Angeles, California we had a huge commute to get to our room. The pitch festival location was in Universal City and we had made arrangements to stay in Long Beach. Every day of the pitch festival we had to take a bus, two trains and a trolley to and from the location. The commute and the heat were a bit much to deal with but we managed. We did a really lousy job during our first pitch. The individual we were pitching to couldn’t have looked less interested. I wanted to walk out so many times during our presentation. But I told myself, “No you paid to be here so you’d better see this through.” When we finished my mother and I went outside to regroup. I called my Uncle who is also a Pastor and has great experience with public speaking. I told him what had happened. After I spoke with him I decided that it would be best to put the index cards down and try to have more of a casual conversation with the person that I’m pitching to. My Uncle asked to speak with my mother so I gave her the phone. She started tearing up as she spoke with my Uncle. I motioned to her to find out what was wrong. With her eyes filled with tears she muttered “Uncle Grandpa died this morning,” I gasped. We shed our tears. Pitching after that couldn’t have been more difficult. Soon the commute, the heat, the pitching and the death in our family overwhelmed us.
Matthew 18:20
“For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them.”
We decided to step outside for a word of prayer. I immediately felt the presence of God. I knew He was there with us, and somehow, even with all that was going on around us, I knew that everything would be okay. He gave me a peace that surpassed my understanding. We pitched very well after that, and with confidence, we successfully made it through the 18th Hollywood Pitch Festival. Now it was time to travel back home. We had a connecting flight in Denver, Colorado. When we got on the plane, there was an intoxicated gentleman sitting directly behind me. All throughout the flight he was pulling and kicking my seat. I told the flight attendant what was going on and asked if he could move my seat. But he said there weren’t anymore seats available. So I continued to put up with it. But then I started to smell cigarette smoke. Even though I smelled it I just couldn’t fathom that someone would be smoking on the plane, so I brushed it off. It wasn’t until my mother, who was sitting across from me, happened to turn around and saw the tip of the intoxicated passenger’s cigarette light up as he inhaled that I received my confirmation. He was smoking on the plane! Onlookers frantically hit the call button for the flight attendant, and several of them came trooping down the aisle to see what was wrong. All at once, passengers started yelling out, “He’s smoking on the plane! He has a cigarette!” Thankfully, the flight attendant confiscated the cigarette and the lighter. We made it back to New York safe and sound. As for the intoxicated smoker, he ended up going to jail.
Nothing can Thwart the Plans God has for you
Job 10:15-16
Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face. Indeed, this will turn out for my deliverance, for no godless man would ever come before him!
After the script was written, I was eager for God to tell me what company my mother and I should pitch the script to and how. What I found in my research was that agents were expensive and that they only want to work with you if you have a name for yourself. I decided that the best course of action would be attending a pitch festival. The way I figured it, it would be the perfect opportunity for my mother to pitch the feature she had written and the perfect chance for me to pitch the sitcom. I made plans to attend the Hollywood Pitch Festival and purchased two books to help us prepare for the event. But whenever you do something for God, opposition from the devil is never that far behind. Sure enough, the first week of the month of May, our next door neighbor had a fire. It affected my mother and I because where we live, our homes are connected. It was about one ‘o’clock in the morning. I felt like I was getting the best sleep ever. It was one of the deepest sleeps I ever had. I vaguely heard my mother call my name. When I finally woke up my mother’s calling became more and more frantic. I jumped up and followed her voice to the kitchen. A huge cloud of black smoke flew through the window. Shocked, I continued to follow my mother’s voice down into the basement. “The house is on fire next door! Call 911!” But all I could think about was getting my mother and myself out of there. I grabbed my phone and grabbed my mother, ran out of the house and called 911. After I called 911 I found out that several other neighbors had already called. As I stood outside and watched the firefighters fight the flames, I looked up at the sky and asked God what He wanted me to get out of this situation. There was a lot of smoke damage and the firefighters knocked out a few windows and broke up a few of our things. The environment where I worked was pretty much completely destroyed. At that moment I felt that failure at the Hollywood Pitch Festival was not an option. In my eyes this event was our only way out. So despite the circumstances, my mother and I continued to prepare for that event. The following Sunday on our way to church we were in a car accident. The cab we were in ran into directly into the car in front of us. Thankfully we weren’t critically injured, but I was convinced that we were under the attack of the enemy.
The Road to Success is no Straight Line
Walk even when the way is not clear.
Hebrews 11:8
By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
At this time, I was trying to get Ayana Productions on television. I was confident that if we got on television and got some more eyes on us, we would be sure to make a profit. So I drew up a proposal and made a reel. I sent it out to WKBT and NYC TV. But I hadn’t received any replies to my emails. At this point, I didn’t know what else to do or where else I could turn. It was back to the drawing board again, it seemed. I went to God in prayer and told God that it felt like I hit a brick wall. My worry and concern only grew when I didn’t hear from God or at least feel Him right away. As the days passed, it was business as usual. My mother and I covered events like the Mental Health Association of NYC, “Where there is Help, There is Hope Gala, the Live From T5 Goodie Mob concert, the Urban World Film Festival, and the United Cerebral Palsy of NYC, 4th annual Santa Project and Auction. While editing one of the shows, I made a terrible goof with one of the kyrons and another one during the ins and outs. I decided to take a break and do some yard work. For some reason, gardening relaxes me. And just as softly as the wind blew across my face, I heard God say, “It’s time to change the direction of the company. I want you to write a sitcom.”
If You Had Any Idea How Significant You Are To God’s Plan
It seemed all throughout my career, my in between jobs seemed insignificant. Family and friends always had a way of making me feel that what I do is not important. Before I knew it that way of thinking trickled down into the way I felt about my purpose for God because I felt insignificant. Because I wasn’t making a certain amount of money, I felt insignificant. Because I hadn’t acquired a certain amount of materialistic things I felt insignificant. Before I knew it I stopped fellowshipping with God and was back to doing my own thing. I tried to take matters into my own hands by trying to acquire a job that the world considered significant but was nothing more than a mere whim of selfish ambition to God. I had been tricked by the enemy.
If you only knew how significant you are to God’s plan.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.
You Know God’s Voice By Now. Stop Doubting And Believe
John 20:27
Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”
I filed for unemployment some time ago. But I hadn’t heard from the Department of Labor regarding their decision about whether or not they approved my claim. I had been contemplating applying for a customer service position I saw on Craigslist at a digital printing company. But every time I tried to go through with applying, something on the inside of me told me not to. As the days passed, I got more and more anxious. Not hearing from the Department of Labor for so long was driving me crazy. The more I thought about applying for the job, the more I heard God tell me not to. But according to my common sense, I needed money, and therefore I should apply. There was a war going on inside of me. Eventually, my common sense got the best of me. I applied and got an email to come in for an interview. On the way to the interview, something said,
“Don’t go.”
I disregarded it and went anyway. The interview went fairly well, and I got the job. I discovered my unemployment insurance claim was approved on my start date. On my way there, God warned me once more,
“Turn around and go back home.”
It troubled me, but I brushed it off. My first few days were okay. My nerves were a little rattled because it was another office job, and the one I was at before didn’t turn out too well. Fortunately for me, there was another person in the office who worked with me, and she answered any questions I had. Eventually, I got the hang of things. But a few weeks later, she resigned, and the reason why God never wanted me to work there in the first place became more and more apparent. A small business, most times it was just the owner, and myself there. There were times when I walked into the office and the owner undressed me with his eyes, and as if that wasn’t enough, he would sometimes say, “You’re looking sexy today.” It made working there so uncomfortable.
I thought about talking to him about it, but with just me and him in the office, I felt that anything could happen. So I decided not to say anything. But one thing was for certain. I wish I would’ve listened to God. I regretted not doing what God asked me to do in the first place. Now here I was in another unfortunate situation, my unemployment gone all because I let my common sense undermine what God said.
I worked diligently to get my company off the ground in order to get out of my current situation. While working there, we had Actress Nhadya Salomon and Film Producer Rich McKweon on the show. But you better believe once my tax refund came, I was out of there. I decided to live off of that until I figured out what my next move would be. We went on to cover the United Cerebral Palsy Women Who Care Luncheon and the Mental Health Association of New York City, Where there is Help, There is Hope Gala.
Ayana Productions Up Close 